The envy never stops.

I’m watching a livestream and the only thing I can think about is how I don’t belong there. I don’t know any of them, and they all know each other. There’s some kind of shared culture, like a sprawling inside joke, that I’ll never understand. My impulse is to force my name in front of them by donating to the stream, and enjoy the attention for a moment. But I’ve already spent time talking to these people. I know who they are, and I can’t stand them.

This idea I’ve had. I know that it’s going to work, and most of the work on it is done. I thought I would feel something because of it, but I don’t.  It’s the minutes I can’t tolerate, and every distraction I find leads me some other place I’ll never be welcome.

There’s a new surface scratch on my monitor which I don’t remember making and I’ve lost nine pounds in the past five days.